Gentle parenting, respectful parenting, trauma informed parenting, attachment style parenting—what do all these buzzy terms mean?
Whether you’ve seen it trending on your TikTok page or started following the numerous Instagram accounts that promote this new philosophy, the term "gentle parenting" is growing in popularity. A quick search shows that more than 637,000 posts on Instagram are filed under the #gentleparenting hashtag, and while similar posts on TikTok have earned 1.5 billion views.
See also: Actress Lyndsy Fonseca on Motherhood and Conscious Parenting: "You Don't Have to Struggle"
As a new generation of parents turns to social media groups to share experiences and tips, they’re researching and redefining what it means to be a “good” parent. In previous generations, it was common to be more authoritative or enforce strict obedience to house rules, disregarding how certain punishments might make a child feel. Gentle parenting moves away from that, leaving space for a child’s emotions to help dictate the direction of growth.
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Bella Crum is just one of the many young parents sharing her journey on social media. Crum’s blog, Crummy Parenting, embraces the idea that “good” parenting can be messy and isn’t based on how many Montessori items you have for your children. Being a good parent is the constant pursuit to know better and then do better.
Gentle parenting, or what Crum calls “respectful parenting,” isn’t about just being nice to your child and letting them do whatever they want. For her, it’s about being cognizant of the individual person your child already is, and making sure you’re caring for them in ways that are respectful.”
“Think about what kind of inner voice you want your kids to have,” she says. “Whether we like it or not, our inner voices are built a lot on how our parents talked to us when we were children. So think about how you want to model your kid’s inner voice.”
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Crum practices respectful parenting with her seven-month old, Charlie. She says Charlie is often praised for how calm she is, prompting other parents to ask “Is she always this easy?” Crum chalks this up to her own way of addressing Charlie’s needs the moment they arise.
“She doesn’t have lots of major meltdowns because she knows that her needs will be handled quickly and accordingly and timely,” Bella says. “My primary goal is that I raise a child who is well-adjusted; who is familiar with herself or themselves; who feels safe to push their boundaries a little bit. I’m still learning, but to be able to model that for her—even if [I’m] not perfect—at least she’ll see me trying, and I’ll try out-loud.”
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Being a parent is a hard job, period, but trying to be a parent that is respectful and emotionally available for your child can seem like extra work. Bella advises parents to listen to their bodies, to “focus on your own feelings and emotions.”
“It’s okay to feel frustrated and feel overwhelmed,” she says. “If you don’t know where to start, start small. Read some stuff, follow some fun creators on TikTok. It doesn’t have to be black and white. Take what you love and leave the rest.”
That’s exactly what Carol Kim is doing. As a licensed marriage and family therapist at BeeHive Counseling, Kim focuses her social media account on how to be a secure parent for your child, and much of those tips and tricks draw from her own experience.
“I’m really all about giving a voice to the voiceless,” Kim says.
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Kim is a second-generation Korean-American, and her parents used a more authoritarian approach when raising her. She was raised to be more compliant, she wasn’t encouraged to form her own boundaries, and her opinions weren’t taken into consideration.
That kind of control-first approach eventually led Kim to develop issues of depression and anxiety, and it became hard for her to build healthy boundaries with people as an adult.
“I knew I wanted a different life for my kids,” Kim says. “I didn’t want them to have the same struggles as I had growing up, so I learned a lot about different parenting approaches.”
See also: 7 Gentle Parenting Influencers You Need to Follow
Kim calls her own practice “attachment style parenting,” and she says the benefits are “endless,” and she sees those benefits come to life during her professional practice as well as her personal relationship with her own children.
“Children will have a better relationship with their parents, and they’ll know how to have better relationships in general,” she says. “They are better able to problem solve. They have better self-esteem. They’re able to emotionally regulate better.”
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Attachment style parenting is something that benefits parents as well as their children, too. Besides forming stronger bonds with your children and having emotionally intelligent kids, you might discover more within yourself.
When people form new relationships or become a parent, Kim says they often notice some things within themselves that they haven’t fully processed. Parents may discover they have certain triggers that they’re sure how to work through.
“Always practice taking a deep breath,” she says, and take note of what is happening within your body. Ask yourself, “what reactions am I having?” and give yourself a time out to breathe and regulate your emotions.
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Reevaluating and rediscovering things within yourself is part of the journey when you become a parent. You start to figure out what works best for you as an individual, and what kind of person you’d like to raise your children to be.
Mother of two Sonnet Simmons has certainly discovered some surprises within herself, and she shares her advice and experiences on Instagram.
“I’m an older parent,” Simmons says. “I’ve gone through a life of my own trauma and healing, and when you get to be a parent, all of a sudden you’re like, ‘This perfect little being, I don’t want to pass my own stuff onto you. I better figure out what that is so that I can heal that, so it doesn’t show up,’ and it becomes more and more apparent as your child develops.”
Simmons’ mom was a young mother, and she didn’t have as much depth or understanding when she suddenly learned to be a parent. That’s something Sonnet wanted to change.
“I wanted to show up differently for my kids than the way somebody showed up for me,” she says. “You become a parent, and suddenly you’re like, ‘Ah! All of the things that I bring to the table, good or bad, they’re getting and collecting. It’s creating who they are.’”
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Simmons says that all she wants is for her children to be themselves and be proud of who they are. She sacrificed who she was for somebody else’s comfort, and that’s something she doesn’t want her daughters to inherit
There are other goals she has for her children. She wants them to be okay being vulnerable, and being real with her children gives her an opportunity to work with them through their own problems.
“When we do get triggered and say things we wish we didn’t say to our children, we can say ‘That’s my chance to repair it for them,’” she says. “That’s our chance to show them what to do in those situations.”
Parenting doesn’t have to be black and white. It’s a job, and it’s hard work, but the rewards are worth it. Take your time to figure out what style you want to teach your children, and decide what works best for you and for them.
“Take what you want, incorporate it, modify it, and make it work for you, your family, and your partner,” Simmons suggests. “We all have the right to do it a little bit differently.”
Photography by: Xavier Mouton Photographie / Unsplash
